Get To Know Me

Hi! I’m Iris.

Here are a few things you should know about me:

I am an American Born Chinese who somehow ended up with Chinese Born American children.

My parents were immigrants who came to America from China and Vietnam, seeking opportunities for themselves and their children.

The only person in my family to be born in the States, I was well on my way to fulfilling the “American Dream” (graduating from a top-notch university and marrying a Silicon Valley engineer) when my husband and I did an about-face and headed out to China to teach English at a university. We went out in 2003, thinking we’d give it a year. We ended up staying for sixteen.

Untigering is about me learning to navigate life and parenting at the intersection of my Chinese and American identities.

I am a deconstructing tiger mother who is trying to become a peaceful parent.

My early years of motherhood were fraught with authoritarian, abusive practices. Yelling, spanking, punishing with unreasonable consequences — anything was game as long as I showed them who was boss. But far from my dreams of raising a well-behaved, obedient child, my oldest son fought back at every turn, resisting my attempts to control and manipulate him. The behavioral issues only intensified when I became stricter and punished harder, but that was all I knew to do.

When I finally recognized the trauma that I was causing my child through my harsh parenting, I was forced to confront the bitter truth: the problem was not my son, but me. If I had any hope in healing my relationship with him, I was the one who had to change.

So I did another about-face and dove into learning more about conscious, peaceful parenting. I stopped using violence, punishments, and even rewards. I became an advocate for treating children with dignity, respect, and compassion.

Untigering is about my awkward, clumsy steps in putting peaceful parenting into practice.

I am a recovering overachiever who is unschooling.

I was a precocious child who read at an early age, skipped kindergarten, became my high school valedictorian, attended a good university, and graduated with honors… a semester early. I fully expected my children to follow in my footsteps.
 

Fortunately, my journey into gentle parenting challenged me to rethink my hopes and dreams for my children. As I learned to honor my children’s individuality and autonomy, it no longer made sense to subject them to a system that wouldn’t do the same. As I began to trust in their innate ability and motivation to learn, I no longer believed in a compulsory education that forced children to learn according to arbitrary adult standards.

I took yet another U-turn, rejecting all the clambering for success and achievement that I had grown up with. I took my kids out of formal schooling and started giving them space to self-direct their own learning. What started out as an experiment has now become a lifestyle and a passion.

Untigering is about our struggles and triumphs as an (Asian) unschooling family.

Thank you for joining me on all the twists and turns of my Untigering journey!

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