4 Ways the Schoolish Mindset Hinders the Raising of Self-Driven Children

In William Stixrud and Ned Johnson’s book, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, the authors talk about the need for parents to trust their kids with more autonomy over their lives. While they advocate for greater freedom and less parental control, they stop short of addressing the very thing that children often need freedom from–

SCHOOL.

According to the self-determination theory, humans have 3 basic needs:

• a sense of autonomy
• a sense of competence
• a sense of relatedness (109)

Yet the very construct of school undermines these needs and creates obstacles to raising self-driven children.

Here are just 4 ways it does so.

Lack of Trust

Compulsory education is predicated on the belief that children need to be MADE to learn by adults who know better than they do. Essentially, we don’t trust children to be self-driven. We see children as lazy and unmotivated. We see learning as unnatural and unpleasant.  Otherwise, why would we feel the need to goad and prod them along, nag them, or incentivize them? We can see this lack of trust in the way schools rely on extrinsic factors like rewards, punishments, stickers, grades, and charts to (supposedly) encourage learning. These may be effective in the short run, but overemphasizing extrinsic motivation actually reduces a child’s inner drive.

This is a phenomenon called the Overjustification Effect where an expected external reward actually decreases a person’s instrinsic desire to perform the task. So let’s say your child is happily playing with their dinosaurs and telling you all the different names and characteristics, what it looks like, if they’re herbivores or carnivores, what their enemies are, etc. And then along we come with this great idea and tell them that if they can categorize all the dinosaurs by which period they’re from, we’ll give them a lollipop. What happens? We’ve just taken the focus away from their pleasure and placed it on the prize–the lollipop. We displaced the locus of control from them, where they were initiating the conversation about dinosaurs, to us where we want them to perform for us in some way. These external motivations can feel manipulative and coercive. Incentives simply diminish a child’s instrinsic enjoyment and sense of self-control.

Unfortunately, school culture is rife with both positive and negative incentives, which proves how little we trust children to be intrinsically motivated.

If we want to raise self-driven children, one thing we have to do at the outset is change our attitude towards and beliefs about children. We have to see them as natural learners who are inherently curious and motivated to do things that are meaningful for them. We have to believe that they do have the ability to be self-driven; that they do want to make good decisions for their lives.    

The Self-Driven Child talks about 3 precepts that we can adopt to change the script in our heads so we begin to see our kids as capable of making significant decisions for themselves:

• “You are the expert on you.”
• “You have a brain in your head.”
• “You want your life to work.” (54)

We should ask ourselves, “Do I really believe these things?” If we don’t, it’s going to be really difficult to trust them with autonomy and the power to make significant decisions. We will constantly be wracked with doubt and distrust and feel tempted to exert control over them.

So let’s grow in our trust of our children. Our kids’ job is to practice making decisions. Our job is to trust them, support them, guide them, and give them agency.

Control

Another way that schoolishness undermines self-drivenness is the sheer amount of control that it is exercised over children. Just think about all the ways that children are controlled in the school environment: how they sit, how they dress, when they use the bathroom, when they can eat, what they learn, when they learn, where they learn, how they learn, and who they learn from. At home, we reinforce these expectations and require our kids to comply, whether that means making them do their homework even if they’re not interested, or training them to sit still even when they’d rather be moving their bodies. Even many who homeschool are simply doing school at home, and parents are still the ones who decide on the schedule, the curriculum, the rules and expectations.

So we see that in schoolish models, the parents/adults/teachers are the ones in control, in the driver’s seat choosing the destination, the speed, and what’s playing on the radio. The kids are merely along for the ride as passengers. We have to ask ourselves, how will our kids learn how to be self-driven when they’re never given the opportunity to drive themselves?

We know that kids need a sense of autonomy and control over their lives. It’s human nature. Without it, they can develop resentment, chronic stress and anxiety. This can spiral into helplessness and depression and a lack of motivation.

We have to really resist this model of education and parenting that imposes a system of control and coercion over children. Instead, we can consider ways that we can offer more freedom and autonomy. We can make it our goal to function as consultants and guides. We can foster communication, encourage collaboration, and honor consent.

So, what does this look like? As an unschooler, that means that I don’t come in with my own agenda of what I want my child to accomplish. I don’t have my own learning objectives for them and I don’t micromanage them or schedule their time. I try to follow their lead.

I foster communication: we have conversations and discuss things they’re interested in. I ask them questions. I observe. I listen.

I encourage collaboration. If one of my kids is watching YouTube videos that make me uncomfortable, I don’t just shut it down. I express my concerns. I hear them out to try to understand what they find appealing about it. I invite them to problem-solve to find win-win solutions together.

I honor consent: I don’t force them to do things that don’t align with who they are, but I offer them different resources that I think they’d enjoy or need. Because there is that foundation of love and trust and they know we’re not trying to control them, they are often open to our input.

Just like I as an adult have the autonomy to do what I want with my day within the constraints of my relationships and responsibilities, my kids also have that autonomy. 

This can be very scary, especially if we’re coming from schoolish thinking. It can feel like we are jumping off a cliff because we have no control. But it is in these moments that we’re invited to return to that foundation of trust in our child.  

Comparison and Conformity

Institutional learning says that all children have to hit certain benchmarks at a certain age. It says that our child has to at least be on par with what other kids their age are able to do. We have the Common Core standards and the I Can Statements. We have the idea of being “at grade level.”  We have standardized tests and a one-size-fits all education. The whole system is set up to conform children to arbitrary standards, and those who do not meet those standards often start believing that they are “falling behind,” stupid, or incompetent. This gets in the way of our child developing competency because competency is only measured in very specific academic terms that don’t allow for the vastness of human abilities and skills.  

Not all of us were created to be academics. Our society needs people with all sorts of skills: just think of how necessary it is for us to have firefighters and agricultural workers right now. Instead of glorifying one particular path to success, we should see value in all sorts of competencies. We should honor the fact that each child is unique and has unique gifts to share with the world. A cookie-cutter education where everyone turns out the same doesn’t serve our children well or help them develop meaningful competency.

There’s a quote by Deepak Chopra that says, “If a child is poor in math but good at tennis, most people would hire a math tutor. I would rather hire a tennis coach.”

What would you do? Perhaps many of us would hire the math tutor because we’ve been conditioned by a school mindset that believes all kids have to be competent in the same areas. But a parent who wants to raise a self-driven child will hire the tennis coach because they believe in developing proficiency in areas that are meaningful or interesting to the child. Competency is important, but it goes hand in hand with autonomy. Grit and a growth mindset are important, but this can be applied to tennis as much as math. If a child is into tennis and wants to improve their game, they will need to practice, even when it’s hard. If they want to strengthen their backhand, they will need to work on that area of weakness, even though it doesn’t come naturally.

So, instead of demanding competency from them based on narrow, schoolish, arbitrary definitions, we can support them in developing competency in ways that work with their natural bent and interests.

Lack of Connection

The book talks about how kids need a sense of relatedness in order to be self-driven—a feeling of belonging, acceptance, and care.

Yet the school environment rarely provides a place for this kind of loving connection. For one thing, the simple fact that our kids are away at school for most of their waking hours means that there is limited time for family connections and enjoyment of one another’s presence. When they do come home, there is homework to be done, extracurricular activities to attend, household responsibilities to manage, etc. It creates this frantic and frenzied pace of life that is not particularly conducive to connection.

There is also so much social-emotional learning that needs to happen with our children, but a school schedule is often so busy that we miss out on this important aspect of education. Not only is there often no time to deal patiently with big emotions or relational conflicts, but the lessons that they DO learn at school are often toxic and fuel insecurity. There’s a reason why bullying, peer pressure, and “mean girls” are common school tropes.

Another aspect is that school creates so many conflicts between parent and child. Just think about the stress of getting out the door with your kids in the morning to get to school on time. Or making sure your child sits still for the whole Zoom meeting. Or the fights and nagging over homework. Or the lectures because the teacher called about them being disruptive in class. The schooling mindset often creates an antagonistic relationship between parent and child where the parent is expected to be the enforcer.

But we know that connection, belonging, attachment, relatedness, are fundamental needs for human thriving. It’s something that we should be intentional about. Instead of having school define your priorities, you can choose what you prioritize, and at the top of your list can be connection. That can mean having your child take personal days or mental health days off from school. Excusing your child from homework or not prioritizing grades at all. That can mean not overscheduling them so that there’s time to hang out as a family.

From an unschooling perspective, living without school means that I am available to them when they need me. I am able to offer the gift of my presence and can help address emotional/relational issues as they arise, giving them the patient attention that they need.        

There is so much more unpacking we can do, but if we truly want to raise self-driven children, we must challenge the schoolish mindset as we lean into trust, autonomy, meaningful competence, and connection.