I’m often asked what unschooling or deschooling principles families can practice even if their children attend traditional school.
While I don’t want to encourage participation in systems that I believe are oppressive and anti-child, I also recognize that deschooling is a process. Not everyone feels ready or able to divest themselves of school without first taking some baby steps.
So here are some paradigm shifts and practices that we can lean into, no matter what learning environment our children are in.
See all of life as learning
Most of us are conditioned to think of education in very schoolish ways. We believe learning needs to be broken down into clear-cut subjects, administered through books and worksheets, taught by teachers, assessed and compared and ranked. But an unschooling mindset believes that there are no boundaries to our learning. Everything is educational! All of life provides us with opportunities to learn the knowledge and skills that are relevant for our growth, not just the 3 R’s of reading, writing, and ‘rithmetic.
What about learning how to have healthy Relationships? Taking the time to Rest when needed? Studying how Racism has shaped our stories and histories? Playing Roblox? Watching Raya and the Last Dragon? Learning from 婆婆 how to use our finger to measure the perfect amount of water for steamed Rice?
When we expand our understanding of learning to include all of life, we begin to relax and enjoy our children more. Their ability to do a somersault is just as exciting as their ability to read their first word. Our anxieties and fears about “learning loss” and “falling behind” are quieted (even if they never quite disappear). We’re less likely to belittle their interests or feel the need to redirect them towards more “academic” endeavors. We relate to them as holistic and complex human beings instead of in bookish, boxed-in ways.
Trust your child’s curiosity
Many believe that children will never learn unless they are forced to do so. That is simply not true. Children are born with innate curiosity, creativity, problem solving abilities, and a desire to explore and learn in ways that are meaningful for them. Just observe any young child and notice all the life skills they are motivated to gain for their survival and growth. Notice all the wonder and excitement they have about the things that they love, whether it’s dinosaurs, Squishmallow toys, or soccer.
Once we trust that learning will naturally happen, we stop trying to manufacture it or force it. We begin to observe and follow our child’s lead instead of pulling or pushing them.
But what if our child seems completely unmotivated? I hear plenty of parents say, “If I let my child self-direct their learning, they would sit around all day and do nothing!” Perhaps the issue is not a lack of motivation but a sense of helplessness and apathy because they lack the freedom to pursue the things they really enjoy. Maybe what appears as idleness and inactivity is really the rest that they need as they push back against the oppression of school. It could also be that our judgment is preventing us from seeing all the life learning and creativity that is happening because we observe them daydreaming, gaming, or watching TV and label that as “doing nothing.” When we sense ourselves falling into this fear and judgment, remember to return to my first point: see all of life as learning!
Practice consent
Consent may feel like a buzzword, but for those who have been colonized, enslaved, oppressed, exploited, and marginalized, consent is essential for our liberation. Unschooling is rooted in the belief that all of us have the right to live and learn in consensual ways.
Just as we seek to have boundaries and autonomy over our own bodies, we must ensure our children experience this same dignity. Just as we resist non-consensual and authoritarian dynamics, we have to be careful not to perpetuate those same patterns within our home. Find ways to listen to and honor your child’s autonomy. Give them space to practice intuitive eating, decide on bedtimes, or choose their own wardrobe. Ask for their consent before smothering them with kisses, posting about them on social media, or giving them feedback about their work. For issues that affect others in the family, work together with them to problem solve instead of making unilateral decisions.
Especially in a world where children are robbed of so much of their agency, let’s do all that we can to empower and honor them as whole persons with their own thoughts, desires, and boundaries.
Make room for play
To a schoolish mindset, play is a waste of time. It’s something we fit in on the weekends; something we reward ourselves with after the work is done.
In contrast, to an unschooling mindset, play is valuable in and of itself! Play is foundational for a child’s thriving, not a luxury. Those who study early childhood development and education know that play is actually the primary way children learn. Through it, they can grow in their understanding of themselves, others, and the world.
Regardless of whether or not our kids are in traditional school, we can offer a lot of down time and opportunities for free play so that they can get to know themselves and practice self-direction. We don’t need to be filling their schedules with lessons, sports, activities, and events that are most likely led by adults with adult agendas. While these may be fun and may include elements of play, oftentimes, this impulse to keep our kids entertained and busy is actually deeply disrespectful and disempowering to them. They are not given the space to simply be nor the autonomy to choose how they want to spend their time.
In this Psychology Today article, Dr. Peter Gray, psychologist and author of Free to Learn, defines play as having these 5 characteristics:
- Play is self-chosen and self-directed. It is an expression of joy and freedom.
- Play is activity in which means are more valued than ends. The fun is in the process and not necessarily in the accomplishment of a goal.
- Play has structure, or rules, which are not dictated by physical necessity but emanate from the minds of the players. It isn’t random or completely without boundaries. There is self-control, mutual agreement on rules and parameters, and freedom to quit.
- Play is imaginative, non-literal, mentally removed in some way from “real” or “serious” life. It involves imagination, fantasy and playing pretend.
- Play involves an active, alert, but non-stressed frame of mind. This state of mind is ideal for creativity and learning.
Take some time to look at your schedule as a family and see if there is enough time for play. If you or your child feel over-scheduled, overworked, and stressed, consider limiting structured activities and events to prioritize open-ended opportunities for free play.
Advocate for your child
Our children should always know that we are on their side. We don’t have to stand on the side of coercive systems that don’t honor our child’s autonomy and individuality, forcing them to conform and comply. We can speak up on their behalf and advocate for them.
I think of my friend’s sensitive son who was traumatized by a swim teacher who didn’t honor his fears or boundaries. He ended up developing a phobia of swimming. Instead of making her son toughen up and push through, my friend found a different pool and teacher, making it a point to inform the new instructor of her son’s experiences and need for gentle support. She worked with the instructor to make sure the primary goal was not to teach her son how to swim but simply to get him comfortable in the water again. This is what it can look like to support our child in ways that align with who they are.
Like my friend, we don’t have to subject our children to systems that are not informed about trauma, accepting of individuality, or honoring of autonomy. We can push back and speak up: petition for more free play and social-emotional learning; de-emphasize grades and testing; question dress codes or punitive behavior management policies.
If you choose to stay within the system, be prepared to fight and advocate!
I hope these are helpful in your unschooling/deschooling journey!
But I also feel that I must warn you: if your child is in a compulsory school setting and you are practicing these unschooling principles, you will most likely experience a lot of tension and cognitive dissonance. These practices aren’t meant to ease our conscience, make us feel comfortable, or help us create a best-of-both-worlds scenario. These are counter-cultural mindsets that will continue to challenge our schoolish beliefs. They will expose the ways our societies normalize the dehumanization of children. Let’s not be afraid of the discomfort but lean into it as we stay open to where these paradigm shifts will take us.