8 Battles NOT to Pick With Your Child

2. Make your kids go outside

Not all kids like to be outdoors all the time, and that’s okay! When we take something that is supposed to be enjoyable and life-giving and force it upon a person, it sucks out all the joy and pleasure. Some children have sensitivities and allergies that make being outside unpleasant. Some just prefer the indoors! Honor each child’s unique bent without judgment and find ways to encourage being in nature without coercion.

Here’s what we can do instead:

• Model the love of outdoors ourselves
• Go outside with them, don’t just send them out
• Invite them, don’t force them
• Expand our idea of outdoor activities (it doesn’t have to be something active like hiking or sports; they may like reading, drawing, observing animals, daydreaming, geocaching, picnics)
  
• Find friends to play with (for my kids, doing something outdoors with their friends is usually much more enticing than doing it on their own)
  
• Provide them with the right gear and equipment (proper clothing to protect them from the elements, etc.) 

3. Make your kids work

And this is why most of us hate housework! An act of care and service is turned into a chore and unwelcome burden. When they are young, many children are eager to help and feel like they are contributing to the care of the home. When we make it into something they must do, they begin to resent it.

Here’s what we can do instead:

• Model it ourselves and do housework with them
• Foster a team mentality of mutual care
• Invite them and ask for help, but don’t force them
• Remove rewards and punishments
• Express appreciation
• Have developmentally appropriate expectations

Check out this blog post for more details!

4. Make your kids eat as a family

My children eat dinner with us every night, but I don’t “make” them. They usually want to! You don’t have to make your family eat together when it’s something they see as meaningful and enjoyable. If they don’t, the issue may be a lack of connection, not a lack of enforcement with family meals. And there are always other ways to create rhythms of pause and connection if sharing meals is not a high value for your family.

Here’s what we can do instead:

• Intention, not coercion (schedule regular, intentional times of connection)
  
• Avoid scheduling other activities during mealtimes
• Have mealtimes be pleasant, not a time to lecture or work out issues
  
• Make food they enjoy and invite them to help

5. Make your kids live with boredom

Again, this language of making our child do something suggests coercion and compulsion. We don’t have to control our children. We can control ourselves and the environment instead. If we want to encourage free play, creativity, and intrinsic motivation, that doesn’t happen through our insistence. That happens when we remove obstacles and get out of the way.

Here’s what we can do instead:

• Model ways to mindfully spend your free time
• Provide a lot of down-time; avoid overscheduling
  
• Resist the temptation to constantly entertain your kids
• Get more comfortable with their boredom and complaints (“I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” “Do you need some ideas?”)

6. Make your kids go last

I think this is cruel and punitive. Forcing our child to go last, take the smallest piece, or share their toy doesn’t actually foster empathy, kindness, or thoughtfulness. It make them associate what ought to be beautiful acts of generosity with negative feelings of shame and resentment. It actually encourages them to behave in more self-centered and self-protective ways because we’ve introduced punishment and scarcity.  

Here’s what we can do instead:

• Model kindness and thoughtfulness ourselves
  
• Honor their boundaries and consent
  
• Nurture empathy and kindness by prompting and coaching without coercion (“Would you like to give Grandma the first piece of cake?” “It looks like she really wants a turn on the swing. When you’re done, do you want to give her a turn?”)
  
• Be patient! These skills may not be developmentally appropriate and may need to be developed over time

7. Make your kids have uncomfortable conversations with you

Awkward conversations are a given. We won’t always know how to talk with our kids about sex, body image, mental health, etc. But if we force our children into these engagements, it’s not a conversation; it’s a sermon. When we focus on building connection and trust with our child, they will come to us willingly because they respect our perspective, not because we make them.

Here’s what we can do instead:

• Be vulnerable and honest about our own struggles (in appropriate ways, of course!)
  
• Build trust and connection so that they know we are a safe space for them
• Avoid judgment and shaming that shuts down communication
  
• Have these conversations when everyone is calm and more regulated, not in the heat of the moment or in reactivity
• Know that these discussions are not usually a one-and-done event but require ongoing dialogue

8. Make your kids live within limits

I have no problem with limits. Life provides us and our children with many natural limits on our time and resources. But I do take issue with arbitrary limits over screens, food, activities, etc. that parents decide on without collaborating with their child. We think that these limits teach them moderation and self-control, but arbitrary limits actually create increased desire through scarcity. They become more attached to the phone, the video game, the candy, or the soda because they’re afraid of it being taken away or restricted. Arbitrary limits are ineffective because children who are always externally controlled don’t learn how to control themselves. Once there is no one around to enforce those limits, they will often binge or disregard those limits.

Here’s what we can do instead:

• Model mindful consumption of food, media, etc. (notice a theme yet?)
  
• Coach them to listen and attune to their bodies
• Practice collaborative problem-solving; resist top-down rules/restrictions 
• Provide guidance and information (try to stay neutral and avoid fear-mongering)
  
• Allow for natural consequences to be their teachers
• Empathize with them when things don’t go well

Here’s a whole Screen Time Workshop to help you partner with your child in handling screens.

It saddens me that such advice and power-over strategies still get passed off as “good parenting.” We should always be ready to question and challenge practices that do not respect the dignity and humanity of children.

Because while these values that we want to teach our children may be good, we don’t need to battle our children over them. Rather than enforcing values, the true work for us as untigering parents is to embody them.