It’s officially been a year since I started my unschooling experiment!
Instead of writing my own post, I thought I would interview my kids and ask for their take on unschooling.
It sounded like a great idea… until I actually read their responses.
Judge for yourself.
[Some questions have been edited for brevity and clarity.]
What does unschooling mean to you?
KK: It’s like you don’t get bossed around by parents and you have no school. You get the whole day to yourself and you just can play all day. You can make your own decisions and don’t need to be forced to do what your mom and dad say, but if you know that it’s good for you, you should do it.
NoNo: I get to do whatever I want, figure things out by myself, and know what’s best for myself.
Do you like unschooling? Why?
NoNo: I do like it because I don’t like getting bossed around. I like doing what I want to do. I can problem solve.
How do you think unschooling is different than your school experience?
KK: Well, you don’t need a teacher to teach you everything you want to learn. You can learn it on your own and you don’t get homework. Also, if you make a lot of mistakes on what you want to learn you don’t get an F- and fail. You can just try again and never give up. You also don’t have a time limit to do what you want to do, so you can keep on doing what you want to do for as long as you want.
NoNo: I have freedom. You learn without knowing you learn.
What do you do every day?
NoNo: I sometimes code. I make crafts and draw comics. I like reading so I read a lot. I play with my brother. I play video games.
How do you think unschooling has changed your life?
KK: It changed my life because I didn’t have to go to school, I get a lot of free time to do what I want to do, and I don’t have to learn all the things I don’t want to learn.
Would you recommend unschooling to other families? Why?
KK: I would recommend it because children don’t have to feel so annoyed about following everyone’s rules. They can stand up for themselves and make their own decisions.
So… what were your first thoughts as you read through that?
Because for me, I was thinking, “There is no way I’m posting that.”
It seemed to confirm my worst unschooling fears and society’s worst unschooling caricatures. It made my boys sound completely feral and I, downright negligent.
All I could see was,
“I can do whatever I want and no one can control me!! Muahahaha!”
“I spend all day playing video games and spit in the face of productivity! Heehee!”
“I’m completely undisciplined and directionless and have no plans to become a contributing member of society! Yippee!”
I considered throwing out the entire interview.
But I didn’t.
As I read and reread their responses, I began to realize that their answers were not the problem. My faulty lens was the problem.
As adults, we’ve been trained to see children through the lens of control and power. It makes us nervous when kids don’t toe the line, obey mindlessly, or comply with our expectations. It makes us deeply uncomfortable to have our children express joy in their autonomy, self-determination, and agency.
This is never truer than for those of us who’ve been influenced by Confucianism. Cultural norms, like filial piety, teach us that adults are to be honored, obeyed, and shown deference. In contrast, children are to stay small, silent, and subservient.
But there is something fundamentally flawed when children must feel oppressed in order for adults to feel respected.
We shouldn’t be objecting when children refuse to be controlled. Instead, we should be questioning why we feel the need to control children in the first place.
This lens of authoritarianism and dominance gives us a cracked and skewed perspective of children. It’s got to go. We need a new lens that considers children worthy of understanding and respect as whole persons; one that relies on connection, influence, modeling, and mutuality rather than coercion and control. This new way of seeing teaches us to delight in our children’s autonomy rather than be intimidated by it.
Through this lens,
“I don’t like getting bossed around” becomes less a statement of rebellion and more a statement of self-respect.
“I get to do whatever I want” becomes less about anarchy and more about agency.
“I can just play all day” becomes less about idleness and more about the freedom to pursue their interests.
I’m still learning to reframe. I still get uneasy when my children claim their own voice and power. I’m still untigering. But I’m beginning to see with new eyes. I’m learning to appreciate the fact that my children can state unapologetically,
“My parents don’t boss me around. I’m the boss of me.”
12 Responses
You were focusing on the I get to do what I want comments. Look again and you will see something even more promising: “ I get to figure things out for myself” “ I can problem solve” “you can try again and never give up” “you learn without knowing you learn” “ I read a lot”
You’re right, Penny! It was hard to get passed my initial reaction, but the more I read, the more I see all the amazing benefits they’re getting out of unschooling.
My initial reaction was – oh that is so great! The kids really are understanding the benefits of unschooling – learning and doing things on their own accord. All humans need to be able to live life like this…that is what freedom is about. It is one of the main reasons I wanted to homeschool or unschool. I didn’t want my life schedule to be victim to a school’s schedule.
I think my initial reaction just goes to show how much I still need to untiger and change the way I’ve been programmed to think about children!
I just started reading “The Spark” by Kristine Barnett. It is not about homeschooling, yet so many unschooling principles are found in the book. I’m only 1/3 through and already I got so emotional reading on what conventional programs for special ed and autistic kids entail. It is craziness. We (as a society) are looking at these kids and all kids through distorted lenses. ps: I didn’t realize my last comment would post anonymous, – it’s me, your fellow unicorn!
Sounds like an interesting book. I’ll check it out!
As a teacher who had to give out F’s (rarely “just” because a kid couldn’t or wouldn’t learn, but because they didn’t have resources or an environment in which to learn), I read this, “if you make a lot of mistakes on what you want to learn you don’t get an F- and fail” and heard angels singing. You give me hope and courage to try this!!!
Jennifer, I’m so glad that I can give my children this freedom to learn without fear of failure, comparison, or judgment. Excited that you are considering this unschooling path too! Let me know if you ever have any questions. I really want to support anyone who’s interested, especially fellow AAs!
Wow! Loved this! As a long time unschooling parent & youth advocate; I truly appreciate the perspective you’re coming from & the verbalizing of these insights.
Thank you so much for reading, Marilyn!
I’m strongly considering unschooling. My initial thoughts about it were mostly based on what other people would think (family). I also need to do more research about unschooling and college preparedness in case she does want to pursue college. I love the autonomy and the natural curiosity that unschooling creates. Still in research mode but strongly leaning this way. Thanks for sharing!
Unschooling has been amazing for our family, not just as an educational philosophy, but as a way of life. Have you looked into Akilah Richard’s podcast “Fare of the Free Child?” It’s about self-directed education, specifically for black and brown folks.