“Is it our job as parents to protect our children?”
This was a question I recently posed in my Untigering Circle, a parent support group that I host twice a month.
The answer seems obvious. Of course we need to protect our children!
But let’s dig a little deeper…
What we call parental protection is often just fear expressed through control.
Just think of all the unreasonable rules that tiger parents impose to “protect” their children:
- No videogames – which can lead to brain rot, violence, and distraction from school
- No parties or sleepovers – which can lead to debauchery, sexual abuse, and distraction from school
- No dating – which can lead to heartbreak, teenage pregnancy, and most importantly, distraction from school
Using control to protect our children from danger, suffering, and pain often has the opposite effect. Far from keeping them safer, control produces more rebellion, sneakiness, resentment, disconnection, and mistrust. In our attempts to keep our children safe, we become our child’s police and oppressor.
The role of “protector” can be rooted in adultist assumptions where caregivers and parents are subjects with the power to act while children are objects to be acted upon — helpless, weak, and without agency. While the imbalance of power is real since children are developmentally vulnerable, need help with their basic needs, and have limited capacity to protect themselves, we can still seek to protect with more partnership and less paternalism.
What might protection look like when we see our children as co-subjects and not mere objects?
When I asked my 15yo his thoughts on whether it’s a parent’s job to protect their children, he responded,
“No, I don’t think so. It’s their responsibility to give kids what they need to protect themselves.”
The truth may be more nuanced and both/and, but I resonate with the belief that children need less external restrictions and more internal resources. Controlling the environment is one aspect of protection, but it cannot be the only one. Apart from all the safeguards we put in place, children also need to be equipped and empowered to protect themselves.
Because, let’s be honest, control doesn’t actually protect our children. We may refuse to buy our child a smart phone, but they can always be exposed to inappropriate content on a friend’s phone. We may not allow candy in our home, but they will likely have access to it whenever they step out the doors.
Children don’t need hermetically sealed bubbles of safety (which are unrealistic if they actually want to live and function in the world). They need to know what to do and how to respond when they inevitably meet danger.
Rather than trying to use control to protect our children, here are 3 C’s we can offer instead:
1. Care
Children need attentive care, nurture, and presence, especially when they are young and physically helpless. We need to keep an eye on those defenseless yet curious little creatures!
This kind of protection is something we cannot outsource to swim floaties, baby gates, parental controls on the iPad, or monitoring apps on the phones. While such protective measures provide a level of safety, they can also delude us into a false sense of security and a lack of engagement.
In reality, children are most protected when they receive our conscious attention and care. A baby’s survival depends entirely on caregivers who provide for their needs through warmth, nourishment, hygiene, and physical protection. Relational care is fundamental to our safety and endurance as a human species.
But care isn’t control.
Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines protect as “to cover or shield from exposure, injury, damage, or destruction.”
This is not about restriction or using power over children but about putting ourselves on the line — hurtling our bodies to catch them before they hit their head, getting between them and an aggressive dog, watching them closely when they’re first learning to bake, bringing a extra sweatshirt for them just in case they feel cold…
Far from breeding resentment and anger in the child, it produces a sense of safety and appreciation.
It feels like love, not domination.
2. Coaching
As parents, we can’t always be around to protect our children. The best way to keep them safe (or at least safer) is to equip them with tools, skills, and support to protect themselves.
Just like a comprehensive sex education helps young people make more informed and safe decisions about sex (as opposed to teaching abstinence-only), what our children need is more information, understanding, instruction, and agency, not just do’s and don’ts.
When my boys were younger, I had conversations with them about keeping their bodies safe. I taught and practiced bodily autonomy, consent, and intuition. I told them not to let anyone touch their genitals. I encouraged them to listen to their gut and to speak up if anything felt uncomfortable to them. I reminded them that they could always tell me anything and they wouldn’t get in trouble. I suggested best practices like avoiding being alone with an adult (other than us parents) in a private setting. I warned them about people who might try to make them keep secrets but not to fall for their tricks. They memorized our phone numbers. They chose a secret safe word to use in times of trouble.
We read books, had conversations, modeled body safety, role-played, and problem-solved through hypothetical situations.
Providing protection through coaching and modeling can apply to everything from crossing the street to social media use. When we matter-of-factly educate them about real dangers without fear mongering, skill-build in age-appropriate ways, and support them in attuning to their internal cues, they are more equipped and empowered to handle dangerous situations when they arise.
This ultimately helps them grow in their sense of agency and self-trust — a powerful protective force that will follow them throughout their lives.
3. Connection
When a child is isolated, detached, secretive, and withdrawn from us, they become more vulnerable to harm and exploitation. Conversely, a close, trusting relationship with us can help mitigate danger.
Connection is protection.
In order to ensure that we provide safety to our children, we first need to be safe to our children.
We can do this by:
- learning to regulate our emotions and repairing when we don’t
- inviting accountability and taking responsibility for our actions
- honoring their boundaries
- building trust and empathy
- letting them know we are on their team
- sharing power rather than punishing or policing
- unconditionally loving, accepting, and supporting them through it all
If our children feel safe with us, when they do encounter dangers and crises they know they can turn to us for help rather than hide in shame. They are open to our influence and loving guidance when needed.
While we cannot guarantee our child will never experience danger and pain, Gabor Maté reminds us,
“Children don’t get traumatized because they were hurt. They get traumatized because they were alone with the hurt.”
Having a strong connection with our child protects them from the trauma of being alone with the hurt.
So… back to the original question:
“Is it our job as parents to protect our children?”
Ultimately, I would say we shouldn’t over-identify with the role of protector. Believing that it’s our job to protect means that we think that we are actually in control; that we can actually insulate our children from all harm. It’s an unrealistic expectation that will inevitably lead to frustration and disappointment.
The truth is, it’s impossible to keep our children perfectly safe. Even when we do everything in our ability to protect them, our child can (and will) still suffer from things beyond our control.
That is just part of being human.
The first noble truth of Buddhism maintains that life inherently involves pain and suffering. When we can accept that adversity is just a part of being alive rather than something to be avoided at all costs, we can respond to our children’s suffering with compassion rather than fear, shame, and a sense of failure.
We may not be able to protect our children from everything, but we can be with them, offering care, coaching, and connection no matter what they face.