We’re often told that kids need consistency from parents.
Follow through on consequences.
Stick to the rules.
Be predictable.
But NoNo and KK recently made me question this commonly held belief.
They had just written a 19-page Minecraft saga, The Secret Command, and asked me for some feedback. After trying unsuccessfully to recommend Dad for the job, I finally agreed. As a former English major with no interest in Minecraft or patience for grammatical errors, this was, quite frankly, TORTURE.
But then something caught my interest at the very end of the story.
The mother made an appearance.
I decided to pay closer attention, knowing that the portrayal of this fictional mom was most likely inspired by one person—ME.
Suddenly, their mom came in and saw the zyrogorphmichypno-switcholeekysuper juice, all spilled on the floor!
“Clean this up, NOW! And all your LEGOS!” shouted James’ and Hannah’s mom.
I cringed. Is that how I sound to them? Do I only show up in their lives to nag them and yell at them?
I read on, hoping that this mother would somehow redeem herself.
“Sorry, Mom. Our friends are waiting outside for us to play with them. We will clean up later,” James said.
This was true, their friends were outside. James and Hannah walked out of the room, leaving their mom in the room.
She was actually kind enough to clean up the juice AND James’ Legos when James and Hannah were playing with their friends.
They were home.
Huh…
That was not where I saw it going.
But I liked it.
As untigering parents, we’re often afraid that if we give our kids an inch, they’ll take a mile.
Allow my toddler to sleep in my bed once and I’ll be getting up in the middle of the night for the next year.
They have to clean every single grain of rice in their bowl or else they’ll end up entitled brats.
We are so exacting with our rules, limits, and consequences that we cross the line from consistency into rigidity. But do you know what happens to something that is hard and rigid?
It breaks easily.
A tiger parent can be like steel—unyielding and indifferent. Like the Titanic.
But an untigering parent strives to be more like bamboo—firm yet flexible. Like the scaffolding outside a Hong Kong skyscraper.
“[The Western] concept of strength is, it doesn’t move, it doesn’t break,” says Dan Smith in a Newsweek article about the wonders of bamboo. “The Chinese concept is, you’ve got to bend with things. If you don’t bend, you break. Bamboo’s strength is in its ability to bend, and that’s the miracle.”
If you don’t bend, you break.
Sometimes, we are so stubborn and strong that we end up breaking. Our consistency—our reliance on rules, formulas, and routines instead of relationship—causes fracturing and cracking. Respect is damaged, joy is shattered, communication breaks down.
Instead, we need to learn the art of bending.
We need to be parents who are open to collaboration and negotiation, willing to admit we’re wrong, able to consider the circumstances, and capable of adapting to each child’s unique personality.
Flexibility that is rooted in love and respect helps build robust families in ways that consistency cannot.
***
The mother in Minecraft story changed her mind. She reassessed the situation and adjusted her course of action. She cleaned the room even though the kids had done nothing to deserve this favor. And ultimately, her kids didn’t think of her as weak and wishy-washy, but as kind.
It made me realize that sometimes, we’re better parents when we’re not consistent. When we don’t follow through. When we flout the rules.
When we’re like bamboo instead of like steel.
I may have inspired the mom in this Minecraft story, but the truth is, she has inspired me too.
2 Responses
Thanks, Iris! This was a huge encouragement to me!
Anne, so glad this spoke to you! It’s easy to rely on schedules, formulas, and rules, but we’ve found so much more peace and joy in our family as we’ve learned to rely on relationship.