Like almost every good Asian kid, I grew up playing piano. Not well, mind you, but I faithfully wound that egg timer to 30 minutes and practiced every day for over 10 years.
I hated it.
I loved music, but the forced practices, tiresome theory homework, stressful exams, and dreaded piano recitals sucked the joy out of piano playing for me. I vowed to not subject my future children to the same torture.
Unfortunately, the tiger call of the wild was too strong. I held out for as long as I could, but when NoNo turned 4 and pounded on the piano keys a few times, I took that as a sign of his musical genius and quickly started him on lessons.
We both realized that he was not as interested as I had initially assumed, and many years of raised voices, banged keys, slammed doors, and angry tears ensued. NoNo had a hard time as well. It wasn’t until I slowly embraced a respectful parenting and unschooling mindset that things began to change.
Let kids choose whether or not to learn.
Exactly a year ago, I finally came to a point in my unschooling/deschooling journey where I was ready to let go of piano. If you’re not a recovering Chinese tiger mom, you might not understand how difficult this was for me. I had dropped every schoolish subject (including math!) already, but had held out with piano and Chinese. Finally, after coming to terms with the fact that insisting that my kids learn piano was inconsistent with what I truly believed about self-directed education, I sat NoNo and KK down and gave them the option to continue or quit, bracing myself for their answer.
They surprised me.
“We wanna keep playing.” I tried to keep a poker face, but inside I was breaking out into hallelujahs.
We assume that children will not want to learn unless they are compelled to; that they will not persevere and have grit when the going gets tough. We are mistaken. Children are naturally motivated to learn what they find interesting and necessary. We just need to give them the freedom to discover what those things are.
This is the fundamental shift that untigering parents need to wrestle with: rejecting coercion. We have activities that we deem valuable, skills we consider necessary, visions of what we want our children to become. There certainly are skills necessary to thrive in this world, but I doubt that piano is one of them. We have to respect the reality that our children are their own persons with their own dreams, values, and gifts. Forcing them to learn things or participate in activities just because we think they’re “good for them” is counterproductive. It breeds resentment and rebellion; what might actually be a positive experience becomes associated with negative feelings and parental control. In contrast, self-directed learning fosters intrinsic motivation rather than being pressured from the outside. Children who have this freedom own their choices; they begin to take responsibility for their own growth and learning because they personally see the value in it.
Let kids choose how they want to learn.
In the past, I set that timer and stood over them every day during practice like the archetypal tiger mom. Nowadays, I’m learning to empower my kids to define their own learning process and progress. They practice for as long (or as little) as they like, just as long as they complete the assignments by the next lesson. They can request songs they want to learn, whether it’s a pop song or a sonatina. They’re not required to perform for recitals, take piano exams, or test for some sort of certificate. Far from being unmotivated and undisciplined, their sense of joy and interest in piano have only increased as a result. They are empowered to learn in a way that is meaningful to them instead of doing so to simply please others or receive recognition.
Not every kid wants to become a virtuoso, a star athlete, a famed artist. Some kids enjoy playing for the sake of playing. If your child is not naturally driven or ambitious, let them be and celebrate their enjoyment without insisting that they meet some benchmark of success. If your child is a go-getter, seek out resources, opportunities, and mentors to foster their growth, but also remind them their worth is not based on their performance.
When I asked the boys how to make piano a more sustainable and enjoyable practice, NoNo wanted to slow things down and learn fewer new songs each week. We asked the teacher to adjust and she obliged. This took the pressure off him and allowed him the freedom to simply play around, like making up a theme song for his comic book villain. KK, on the other hand, got bored easily and wanted more of a challenge. He was motivated to learn songs from The Greatest Showman and Jurassic Park, pieces that were difficult even for me. He even created a coding project that featured songs he’s played, figuring out the number value that corresponded to each tone.
Following each child’s lead has allowed them to both enjoy piano in their own way. Instead of imposing cookie-cutter expectations upon them, my role is to help them follow their bliss, satisfy their curiosity, and reach their own goals.
Address the obstacles.
You’ve just signed your child up for a lesson/class/club/sport and after a few months they want to stop. What do you do?
While I would ultimately try to honor their choice, I’d have to understand the reasons behind it before making any final decisions. If they were excited about it a few months ago, what changed? Is there a conflict with the instructor? Is the teacher (or the parent) too demanding? Have I provided the quality materials, equipment, and resources that they need? Do they need support in developing more of a growth mindset?
Understanding what the obstacles are can help us address them so that the learning opportunity can continue to be enjoyable. Oftentimes it’s not the activity itself, but the circumstances surrounding it— the social relationships, the unrealistic expectations, the energy that we give off as the parents. Once we adjust those and provide the necessary support, they will likely continue to pursue the interest.
If not, chances are they’ve learned that it’s not a good fit and will move onto something else. Instead of seeing this as a failure or weakness, we can consider this a win as they discover more about themselves and what interests (or doesn’t interest) them. Sometimes moving on quickly is better than wasting years on something that they don’t enjoy.
Sadly, the boys just had their last piano lesson a few weeks ago. The piano teacher is moving away, as are we. Without the accountability, I figured the boys will stop playing cold turkey; no one was going to check on their progress, after all.
But they surprised me again.
They’ve still been practicing (daily-ish). They’ve still been asking me to teach them new songs. They’ve still been wanting to play piano… no coercion necessary.
4 Responses
Hello, I hope your move and transition is going smoothly and that you are enjoying your time away from the interwebs. This summer has been a great time to re-evaulate our homeschooling and take a more relaxed approach. I look forward to seeing more posts when you come back to the blog!
Thanks, Serena! Getting settled in slowly.
As for homeschooling, I’m constantly re-evaluating as well. Moving back to the States opens a lot of doors and closes others, so we’ll be figuring it all out! Learning to go with the flow and not freak out. ❤️
You have mentioned everything very nicely and to the point. Ultimately kids have to decide what they want to do. Kindly please also tell as there are many ways to learn this instrument what are your thoughts on piano courses like these https://musicgny.com/piano-for-all-review/ also what are the things to look after once kids start learning piano?
Hi, Quinn! I think the most important thing is to follow your child’s lead, be in conversation with them, and find teachers/courses that can support them in their own goals. My children don’t take lessons anymore, but KK has been learning music on his own through YouTube videos.