Instead of Chores, Build A Team Mentality

A few months ago, Jason and I went out for a date night. When we returned home, we noticed how the dishes were done and the counters cleared. The boys had taken care of everything while we were gone. “So responsible!” we thought to ourselves.

Unfortunately, we had completely forgotten to remind them to empty the garbage for pick-up the next day. When Jason remembered the next morning, he hurried around the house to collect the trash before the trucks arrived. As he went around checking the trash cans, he realized that all of them were empty.

NoNo and KK had remembered that Friday was trash day and had done it all on their own without our prompting.

We were surprised and impressed. We hadn’t given them enough credit and had assumed they had forgotten, but they actually proved how on top of things they were. 

Ever since that time in China when we got rid of chores, we have been practicing team responsibilities and the sharing of labor. It’s been so great to not have to resort to nagging, power struggles, or incentives to coerce their participation. Instead, there is mutual appreciation and a heart of service… usually.

Here are some practices that have helped us foster this team mentality in our home:

Take age and developmental stage into consideration

Sometimes, our expectations of our children are not realistic. We want them to just clean up their toys but we haven’t modeled and practiced; we haven’t given them the tools and resources they need. We just expect it to get done. The reality is that it takes a lot of investment up front as we do the task with them — demonstrating, teaching, practicing, fine-tuning, etc. Sometimes they need support and the right equipment, like breaking it down into manageable steps, or providing toy bins that are labeled with pictures so they can easily reach them and sort their toys.

Young children are usually amenable to helping out because it makes them feel like a “big kid.” They are often open when it is presented as an invitation and not a command, when we keep it lighthearted and playful and not demanding. “Time to clean up! Let’s sing the clean up song together…” rather than “Put your toys away.”

We can also avoid having such high standards that we discourage them and make them feel incompetent. A six-year old will fold towels like a six-year old, not like an origami master. The goal is not to get them to do the task per our exact specifications, but to encourage a sense of capability, significance, and willingness to help. 

Sharing household tasks as a source of connection

Doing tasks with our children can nurture connection. Especially to a young child, it feels less like a chore and more like an opportunity to do something important with you. It’s all in how we approach it. “Want to help me bake some muffins?” or “Can I get your help washing the car?” feels very different than sending them off to do something on their own. Working as a team to cook a delicious meal or clean up afterwards with the music blasting can be a joyful bonding experience.

Don’t incentivize them with rewards or punishments

Paying our kids or rewarding them for doing chores just makes it feel like exactly that: a chore. It’s framing it as something you wouldn’t do unless you were compensated some how. What happens when you grow up and no one pays you to do the laundry? Would we only put the dishes away if our partner rewarded us somehow? It’s not an accurate reflection of how households work and creates transactional relationships instead of ones rooted in care and service. 

Punishing them when they forget or don’t meet our standards also creates negative associations with household responsibilities. Children want to feel competent and helpful, but they don’t want to be coerced into it! We can always gently remind them or continue to patiently teach.

Mutual Care and Consent

We don’t have a chore chart. Instead, we have a list of household responsibilities posted on our fridge. Rather than us assigning tasks to our kids, we ask them how they would like to help out. They get to choose. We ask them to practice being thoughtful and see themselves as part of a team. We encourage them to be on the lookout to see what needs to be done around the house.

Nowadays, although they don’t have assigned responsibilities, they have regular routines and tasks that they have just taken on, but that has all happened organically. Jason does the dishes. NoNo loads the dishes. KK dries the dishes. I cut fruit, put leftovers away, and clean the stove. It’s like a dance where we all know our parts but are willing and able to step in and support when needed.

Ask for Help

Our priorities aren’t necessarily our children’s priorities. They probably don’t care if the plants are watered or the coffee table is cleared. We can’t expect them to always notice and take care of the messes or responsibilities. But we can always ask for help!

“Can one of you help me wash and peel the potatoes?”

“I’m going grocery shopping, Can you be ready to help me unload when I come home?”

There may be times when they are unavailable to help for whatever reason. They may be busy playing online with friends or engrossed in a project. That’s completely okay! Our requests are not coercive demands. Just having the freedom to say “no” can create more willingness to say “yes.”

Express appreciation

Thanking them and showing appreciation for their help makes everyone feel good. It shows that we notice their effort and thoughtfulness. We aren’t taking them for granted or assuming that it’s their duty to take on these household responsibilities. We are genuinely grateful for what they do. When we model gratitude, it becomes a mutual practice where they also notice all of our hard work and show appreciation as well.

These are not overnight quick fixes to create cooperative children. Creating a team mentality in our family culture takes years of practice and patience! But we’ve found that taking the time to sow peace, respect, appreciation, and mutual care is worth the connection and collaboration that we reap.

How does your family handle household responsibilities? What has worked for you?