3 Unschooling Expectations and Why We Shouldn’t Have Them

Unschooling makes sense when you have a child who has a clear sense of direction. Someone like Chloe Kim, for instance. Or Lang Lang. Or Bill Gates.

But what if your kid lacks direction and passion? What if their path looks more like a Jackson Pollock painting than a straight line?

When your child’s passions are an inch deep and a mile wide, when they don’t seem to be particularly competent or gifted, when their future seems hazy and uncertain, that’s when you most need to trust in the unschooling process.

Here are a few expectations to let go of so that you can let unschooling do its thing.

 

Don’t Expect Them to Have a Singular Passion

How many of us figured out what we really enjoyed doing until well into our adulthood? Believing that our children have to discover their lifelong passion only sets us up for disappointment when they move on to the next big thing.

When I started out unschooling 6 months ago, NoNo and KK were really into stop-motion movie making. Nearly every waking moment was spent coming up with dizzying plotlines, rearranging Lego minifigures, and snapping thousands of photos. I bought some how-to books, paid for a movie-making app, and waited for them become the next Nolan brothers.

But they soon moved on.

They dug out the Perler beads from the craft cupboard and spent weeks making 3D Minecraft blocks. They researched templates, created their own designs, and problem-solved when the pieces didn’t fit together. “Ooh, maybe they’ll become engineers,” I thought.

 

 

 

That interest quickly got replaced.

They got back into drawing comics. KK came up with the inspired Deodorant Man. Together, they completed a 9-issue series about a kid who transports into a video game to defeat the evil Lord Neptune. To encourage their creativity, I got them every Captain Underpants and graphic novel I could get my hands on from the library. I provided them with reams of blank paper and a state-of-the-art electric pencil sharpener brought over from America. Visions of them becoming the next Gene Luen Yang filled my head.

 

 

But alas, that was not to last.

Their current obsession is coding on Tynker, where they’ve created amazing games and Minecraft mods. NoNo has already garnered the attention of the Tynker community and may be highlighted as one of its Feature Makers. The next Bill Gates, perhaps?

Hold up, Iris. You are getting way ahead of yourself.

Having visions of grandeur and genius every time your child shows an interest in something does not actually fuel their love of learning. It puts pressure on them to become instead of simply to be.

Instead, allow your kids the freedom to explore and experiment, dabble and tinker. The world is so vast. There is so much knowledge to plumb, so many experiences to be had. There’s no need to box your kids in. Follow their lead and allow them to approach life with curiosity and wonder instead forced ambition.

 

Don’t Expect Their Passions To Be Yours

Many of us tiger parents push our children to pursue activities that we find valuable, but our kids may not. Traditionally, it’s been music lessons or Chinese classes, but even “cool” interests like basketball or hip-hop dancing can be pushed upon our kids. Our encouragement and investment in their passions can become a means of control if we are more concerned about our agenda than about their preferences.

I love reading. It pleases me to no end when I see NoNo or KK curled up with a book.

But they are also really into Minecraft and coding and iPad games—things that I have very little interest in. It’s tempting for me to try to steer them away from those interests toward things that I deem more important; to fashion them into a mini-me, or even better, a ME 2.0.

 

 

 

But children are not blank slates or empty molds. They are unique souls pulsating with their own rhythm, dancing to the beat of their own drum. It’s my responsibility as a parent to listen and pay attention, tune into their track, and provide them with all the resources to become who they are meant to be. Not who I want them to be.

“Ultimately, no one has control over what another person will like, or love, or be curious or passionate about. All you ever have is influence, and when used both enthusiastically and respectfully, you have the power to introduce exciting and beautiful things into the lives of children… without compulsion.” – Idzie Desmarais

I can expose them to my love of musical theater and social justice and great literature. My husband can introduce them to movies and sushi and guitar. But we do so with enthusiasm and respect—not compulsion—offering our own passions with open hands rather than shoving them down their throats.

Our children’s paths and passions are their own. Let’s not put up too many signposts along the way, defining the road ahead for them. Let’s allow our children to discover their own way, with us beside them empowering them instead of compelling them.

 

Don’t Expect Them to Be the Best

It’s hard to move away from that achievement mindset, wanting our kids to gain acclaim and recognition in whatever they pursue. But the drive toward excellence often becomes a burden of perfectionism that we place on our children. When children (and adults) internalize this perfectionism, it leads to either pride or paralysis. Pride when they compare and find others lacking; paralysis when they compare and find themselves lacking.

Our high expectations and overemphasis on accomplishment may also make our kids feel like our love and approval are dependent on their success. Success is seen as a performance—something that requires a prize, a good grade, outside validation—and the child learns to posture instead of play. Their striving for success becomes about people-pleasing rather than personal enjoyment and self-expression.

If we truly want our kids to love learning, we need to move away from emphasizing outcome and product and value process instead. We need to free our children from our expectations of brilliance and allow them to fail, learn, and discover on their own terms.

Learning for learning’s sake.
Pursuing for joy’s sake.
Achieving for their own sake.

That Jackson Pollock painting may seem aimless, worthless, and pointless to some, but to those who have eyes to see, it is a masterpiece.