Have you ever had a child ask you to impose rules?
Usually, they’re chafing against the restrictions, pushing the limits, and begging for more freedom.
But last week, my son approached me with an unusual request.
“Mom, can you give us rules for screen time?”
Just a few weeks earlier, we had decided to remove arbitrary limits to screen time. Instead of something to be feared and pathologized, I was choosing to see technology as a tool for learning, entertainment, and even connection. I believed that we could learn to use it mindfully and meaningfully. I was giving my children the power to learn self-control rather than exerting control over them.
No arbitrary time limits. No expectations to use their iPads “productively.” No restrictions on how long they could play the Xbox or Minecraft.
As a result, my son had done what any kid with newfound freedom would have—he tested the limits. He binge-watched hours upon hours of Minecraft gaming videos. He came up for breathers only to deal with vital biological functions. Any interest in other projects or outdoor play paled in comparison to the allure of watching gaming YouTubers.
When he finally came to me and asked me for a rule, you’d expect me to have been relieved. Instead, I refused to give him the limit he wanted.
Instead, I tried to understand what was going on underneath the surface.
I Was Projecting My Own Anxiety
Through the weeks of observing what my kids were doing with their freedom, I could feel the fear rising within me. Sure, I had wanted to give my kids autonomy to figure out their personal limits. I had wanted to approach it through relationship and engagement instead of through control and regulations. I had wanted to guide them, give counsel, and model through my own use of technology.
But when I saw my kids making choices that made me uncomfortable, I was tempted to fall back on control and manipulation.
I started making passive-aggressive comments like,
“Did you really watch videos ALL DAY?”
“It’s nice outside. Don’t you want to go outside and play?”
“I thought you were going to work on that coding project you were talking about.”
When they didn’t seem to get the hint, I resorted to more direct imperatives.
“Go get some exercise!”
“Take a break.”
“Time to stop.”
So much for autonomy and following the child’s interests.
My son had undoubtedly noticed these disdainful sighs and remarks, picking up on my fear and judgment. His anxiety and desire for external control were, in part, a reflection of my own anxiety.
I apologized to him. Going forward, I knew I had to be more aware of my own triggers and expectations.
He Still Had a Schooling Mindset
When I asked him why he wanted limits on his screen time, he responded as he held back tears, “I don’t think I’m learning enough.”
Coming from a traditional schooling background, this isn’t surprising. Most of us have been conditioned to believe that learning comes only through books, teachers, and schools.
In contrast, unschooling doesn’t feel like schooling. There are no grade levels, no assessments, no scores; nothing to clearly measure our growth and learning. Without those external markers, it’s hard to trust that learning is actually taking place. Following our joy and learning through play seems incompatible with the staid version of education most of us are familiar with.
“I feel like I need to learn more math,” my son continued.
This further confirmed my suspicion that he was stuck in a schooling mindset. He wasn’t expressing a love or excitement of math. He wasn’t interested when I suggested Khan Academy or other iPad math apps. He was voicing the pressure he felt to keep up with schooling conventions. What he really wanted was not to learn more math, but my reassurance to trust the unschooling process, even as we continued to deschool.
He Wanted to Rely on an External Locus of Control
After weeks of binge-watching online videos, he was starting to feel gross. Just like an overzealous customer at an all-you-can-eat buffet, he was feeling the effects of indulging. He realized that he lacked self-control and needed help.
I offered some suggestions to help him set his own limits: setting a timer, taking scheduled breaks, having goals for personal projects that didn’t involve screens, etc. I told him that, by his invitation, I’d be happy to support him in keeping those limits. But it was his responsibility to listen to his body, recognize his limits, and practice restraint.
I wasn’t going to do it for him.
He protested. That’s not what he wanted.
He wanted me to decide on the limit and enforce it. He wanted me to apply a rule to both him and his brother so that things would be “fair.” He wanted outside control so he’d be absolved of the responsibility of controlling himself.
I said no. I gently but firmly put the locus of control squarely back on his own shoulders.
Mainstream parenting often talks about forcing limits out of love. We rarely hear about why we should lovingly refuse to force limits!
But as I’ve written elsewhere,
“Children who are always ruled and restricted by parents don’t know how to rule themselves.”
If we truly want our children to grow in character, it can’t be forced upon them from the outside-in. Such control simply teaches our kids compliance and how to please us but doesn’t give them the skills they need to develop their own power.
We need to give them the freedom to recognize and exercise their own agency.
They will overindulge. They will fail. They will make unwise decisions. But doing so in a safe and supportive environment will allow them to grow in self-control.
The key for us as parents is to:
- be compassionate when they experience the natural consequences of their choices
- stay connected through relationship
- try coaching instead of controlling
Parenting with connection instead of coercion is so counter-cultural. Even as an untigering parent, it can feel reckless and extreme.
But LOVE is inviting me to leave behind rules for relationship, control for trust, fear for joy.
I’m slowly learning to accept the invitation.
13 Responses
Awesome!!!!! <3 Sharing!
This made me literally laugh out loud remembering when I went through this. My husband and I are forever deschooling. Lately my son too has felt like he wants to know more math because his older gamer friends or kids at park have brought it up. I wish kids didn’t feel the need to compete and could just freely help each other. I offered many suggestions for additional math resources and he showed little interest. This week he went to Dad and they have ordered a math workbook for his grade level and they will work together. It’s always about helping them to be self-aware.
I hope there will come a day when I can look back and laugh! I still feel like I’m in the throes of it.
I’m struggling with this as we speak. I’ve opened up to more screen time (which has actually been awesome, interesting, and educational!) but I haven’t unleashed completely out of FEAR. Working on it but still haunted by all the articles I’ve read that talk about addiction and boys turning into pale little zombies. My daughter has better things to do lol. (Btw my kids are 9yo boy and 12yo girl)…. Just found your website and am loving reading through it!
Iris how is it going since this post? Can you give an update?
It’s been about a year and I must say, I’m so glad I did this! I’ve seen how screens can be used as a wonderful tool for my kids to pursue their learning and interests. The work for me as a parent is to not pathologize their screen use or see it as a threat, but to encourage and resource them and use it as an opportunity to connect with them. While they do spend a lot of time on their screens now that they are 9 & 11 (but don’t most of us?), I would say they have learned to self-regulate, can turn off their screens and take breaks without me intervening, and have plenty of other interests that don’t involve screens. This, of course, took a lot of coaching and discussion and practice and mistakes, but we’re figuring it out and will continue to figure it out together!
Thank you for this. We have been working on something similar since our 15 and 12 yos each learned to read fluently. One of them has an easier time choosing to do other activities than the other, and it has recently become clear that the one who tends to stay on screens is dealing with anxiety and that the screens are a reliable soother. So we are addressing that and seeing more choices to do other activities made.
Hi, lovely post ! My kid is 4 years old and what is the best age to follow what you suggested in this article ? Do you see any shortcomings with this approach ? Pls let me know
I love this! It’s very freeing.
I’m so glad I read this. I have just been making all these comments to my son after telling him he can play video games. He has asked me to set a timer sometimes, but now I am thinking about that differently. Navigating video games is new to us. Thank you, Iris, for your thoughts.
Thanks for reading, Tessa! I’ve heard some push back about how I should have supported my son when he was asking for limits (timers, breaks, etc.). It’s certainly not a binary, and there may be times where non-coercive limits/supports may be helpful when done in partnership with the child. For me, I wanted to create a safe space for him to practice learning to listen to himself and set his own limits without extrinsic control. All that to say, we have to be curious about what the issues and needs are with each individual child.
Let us know how it goes as you continue to navigate this!
💖
Iris
This is really helpful. Screens are a struggle in my home and I know it’s mostly because of me. We’re still navigating this, but this is really helpful. Thank you.
Glad this was helpful, Sarah! It’s definitely something that we are constantly wrestle with and reevaluating, but like you said, the real work is dealing with our own fears and desire to control.
❤️
Iris